It’s at this point in writing my breakdown story I decide I hate it! I wanted to delete the whole series and start again.
I asked myself that over and over. What is it that’s not sitting right with me? Why am I so angry with the shape it is taking? Am I not content with the depth of understanding I hope the reader will gain? Are there too many quotes? Unnecessary poorly expressed analogies perhaps? What? What is it?
Well for one thing I hate writing with bubble-gum. There was a time during my breakdown if I had heard or seen one more positive inspiring quote I would have ripped the ears off the well-meaning person saying it, or not bothered deleting my Facebook account but instead ceremoniously dummy spat my laptop through the nearest window… with gusto… that would destroy the syrup coated pleasantness of such repulsive citations appearing uninvited into my life!
But no, the quotes in the unfolding series weren’t the problem. I hadn’t labelled them in my head as ‘positive’ or ‘inspiring’. I had just connected with them on a meaningful level that was helpful to me. They weren’t sickly bubble-gum to gag on nor were the reasons for including them. So questioning writing with bubble-gum and not rawness wasn’t the problem.
I continued to ponder my questions. What was going on? I can’t keep re-writing and deleting?
At the eleventh hour (literally, believe me) I came to a massive realisation.
I was trying too hard.
I was trying too hard to find the perfect words so you could see the whole imperfect picture.
Simple as that! No matter how many analogies I come up with or how descriptively I may craft the words, the very best I could hope for is that you may gain an understanding of the place I have been in, not understand it completely.
Perfect words? Imperfect picture? There’s a whole lot of pointless and unnecessary self-expectation and anticipated outcome in those words so I’m going to leave them sitting right there.
Really, there’s no way I can truly find the words or appropriate analogy to explain what it feels like to stand in your own kitchen wringing your hands while your leg shakes uncontrollably, looking at the sink full of dishes as your distress escalates because you can’t engage your brain to action the sequence needed to complete the task of washing them. They’re just dishes; sitting in a sink; but they might as well be feisty snapping Parana’s leaping out to strip your flesh because you are just as terrified by the sight of them.
I was going to write in-depth about how in order to walk further into your story you have to pick up your shame, guilt, embarrassment and any other emotion and feelings of discomfort and take them with you along for the ride – no matter how heavy they may be or how loud they may protest – for once they have become a part of your life you just can’t flick a switch and turn them off, it’s just not that easy. You either stay stuck cringing from them or arguing with them or you gather them up and keep wading in.
I could go on and on about my struggle with preparing food and the need for nourishment and exercise; how the lack of energy, motivation and commitment toward these very important components along the road to wellness became just more repeated failed attempts to beat myself up over. So my mind told me.
You know, I could have turned this whole Part 3 post into a multiple tips page about how to step further into your own story; sharing how asking people to cook you some meals or do your shopping isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s actually a sign of being aware of your needs and limitations at a really difficult time. You are being resilient and true to you.
But to me all these words and sentences all strung into paragraphs screamed “Hindsight is a wonderful thing and you are making recovery from breakdown sound easy”. Just read a few quotes; have a few aha moments; ask some friends and family for a little help; do a bit of writing; take your pills; find a psychologist you like; go for walks; eat good food; be kind to yourself; give yourself time; recognise you are grieving for parts of your life that you can’t live again; gather your people near; forgive yourself; sit in the sun; ride a unicorn; all will be sweet!
I decided to stop trying so hard to help you understand where I have been.
I decided not to do multiple in-depth tips on how to step further into your own story post. I decided that to share where I was, at this point in my story, all I needed to do was to share this:
YES, another quote!
You have permission to rest. You are not responsible for fixing everything that is broken. You do not have to try and make everyone happy. For now, take time for you. It’s time to replenish.
After I became aware that I was hustling for my own worthiness as I revealed in Part 2, I found that I was giving myself permission to rest. I really didn’t need to feel responsible for fixing everything that was broken. I didn’t have to try and make everyone happy and it was more than okay to take some time for me.
Do you think this may be a creation of a soft place where you may – read a few quotes; have a few aha moments; ask some friends and family for a little help; do a bit of writing; take your pills; find a psychologist you like; go for walks; eat good food; be kind to yourself; give yourself time; recognise you are grieving for parts of your life that you can’t live again; gather your people near; forgive yourself; sit in the sun; ride a unicorn; where one day all may be sweet?
I think it just may be!
See you next week when I’ll wrap the series up.
Stay safe now. Xx
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