I’ve been a little absent from my blog the last few weeks.
The clutches of fatigue mixed with the merriment of intellectual fuddlement (yes, that’s my new real word I just made it up) has rendered me wordless.
Well, not really wordless. The thoughts come into my head but then the words, just prior to eloquent execution (I wish), trip over themselves and end up looking like a bowl of alphabet soup sloshing around the confines of my grey matter.
Sounds delightful yeah?
Doesn’t look good on the page either.
So anyway, I stumbled across this quote the other day and we all know how I like to ponder a good quote.
Took a minute and a few re-reads to sink in but then it got me thinking, as a quote often does. I have no idea who the author is so I’m open to being sued, again.
It’s been a year since I finished all my cancer treatment and I have written before about how grateful I am to be alive but I often wonder if I will ever be the same again.
Of course the answer is no.
I mean we are all ever changing evolving creatures it’s just that the changes are mostly subtle over time and we morph into them without even noticing until we are prompted to reflect in some way. Not until then do we notice our intrinsic character changes or self-development, if you prefer.
There was nothing subtle about my diagnosis, treatment and journey. It whacked me hard and sent me reeling. No subtle soft place to fall and no subtle morphing into ‘change’ after treatment ceased, suitably described as my ‘New Normal’ in all the cancer literature.
There is no normal anymore.
While life stopped for me it continued on for everyone else and for everyone else those subtle changes were shaping their direction and decisions concerning their paths in life.
I’d missed out on morphing with them.
I’d missed out on growing with them.
I was stuck in the past of which I hoped could be re-engaged. My time zone before cancer. My life before cancer. Only no one else and nothing else was there. Just me.
I felt like there was a pane of glass between me and this new world that developed while I was disconnected. I still do, to a degree.
But no matter how fast I peddle I’ll never catch up… that’s where the thought pondering on that quote kicked in.
I’ve spoken before about a friend reminding me that recovery is not a destination.
All I want to do is pick up on life where I left off. That’s impossible.
So maybe the journey now isn’t so much about becoming anything mirror imaged of my old life?
Maybe the journey now is an opportunity to unbecome everything that wasn’t me?
Maybe it’s not about wishing to be the old me again?
Maybe it’s about re-invention?
Sound exciting? Well it’s not! It scares the shit out of me!
I don’t know who I was ‘meant to be in the first place’. I don’t know who I am now.
All I know is I’m stuck in the middle of my life continuum and nothing will ever be the same again.
Only one thing to do me thinks… take a step… and maybe unscramble some alphabet soup.
Can you even buy alphabet soup these days?
Am I showing my age?
Great to see another post from you Sandra, I can almost hear you thinking out loud from here.
Normal – what is normal or the new normal? We humans get caught in the trap of suffering in so many ways where we feel like we are isolated in our experience while the world goes on, whether it be the sudden death of someone much loved, the sudden loss of a marriage or in myriad other ways. Possibly if you look back across your life it will be peppered with episodes of isolation, where there too there was no morphing, the difference this time is that it is a ginormous biggie, (not sure that ginormous is really a word – never mind).
I am wondering … is wanting to pick up on life where you left off (and we know life is ever changing), getting in the way of you stepping into the life called your future? Remember your ACT training … Are there things from life BFBC that you would like to ditch? Is that a place to start…
M
xo
Nodding to all of the above comments of yours Majella. We have been hit by the “big shitty stick” many times before as a family, as you well know. There have been many wonderful things I have experienced as well in the last 18 months… like the love, friendship and support of so many. After the intial thud all you beautiful family and friends cushioned repeated falls and I feel so blessed. So yes, despite the negative undertones of my post, I am now able to look forward with some anticipation. It’s all about grief and loss isn’t it. As we know, with loss there is also gains… we often have to wait for the dust to clear before we can see them and take them with us into the future… hmmm, maybe that’s another blog post 😉
Hey Sandra,
I can’t imagine what it must feel like after being a ‘before Sandra’ then readjusting to an ‘after Sandra’.
Yep, personal journeys are always a bit scary, but you get to pick your new path any which way you want it to go. That makes it not just scary, but interesting and fun, with an ‘I owe it to myself to be responsible about the way I play this new life out’ edge to it.
So very true Linda and I am taking small steps out into the wide blue yonder! Think I’ll take my time and stop and smell some roses along the way 🙂
Thanks for your thoughtful comments Xx
You will love the post I just put up before reading your new blog. Go check out my roses. hehehehehe
Oh we are telepathic! I can just about smell those beautiful roses on your FB page Xxxx
So nice to read a beautiful new post from you. Ah, the new normal : I know all about it. The best advice I received after my sons death was to go gently. Just be gentle with yourself. The new you will evolve and it will be okay. The old you may never return and that’s okay. And whatever you are now won’t be the you of the future. I really didn’t like who I thought I was becoming after losing Xavier but I am okay with her now. Works in progress all go through painful, messy times. I think your fabulous, kind and genuine.
Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful advice Robyna. “Whatever you are now won’t be the you of the future.” That’s gold. Beautifully written. Much love to you gorgeous soul x
I love this quote and post, says it all…
I had something gentle and wise like you’d written, but I rubbed it out.
Your words say it better.
You are one special lady x
That’s a lovely quote, Sandra. It must be hard to get your head around it all, but I think you’re doing a fine job. And your generosity of sharing will help many with their journeys also xx
Hi there Lisa! Thank you for your lovely encouraging words and stopping by 🙂 Xx
Oh hun… I know how you are feeling in so many ways.. wanting to reinvent but not knowing what you really were to start with and what you want to be… I dont know if I am even making sense but a quote comes to mind that I need to share with you my lovely friend. “Leap and the net will appear” Its what helped me when I was trying to figure things out. I realised that I was spending so much time thinking about it that I never really stepped forward. Once I took the leap and trusted in the net and that what will be will be, it was like I busted the shackles that were holding me back from being the me I was destined to be. I hope that makes some kind of sense. BIG BIG hugs to you lovely lady xx
Sonia this makes perfect sense and I thank you for sharing it with me/us. Your words are so inspirational. Yes, what will be will be and I need to summon my courage and take the fear of falling flat on my face along with me – I’m sure the net you speak of shall appear.
Thank you for stopping by and sharing gorgeous. 🙂 Xx