Angry at the “only-ness” dummy spit!

Oh, it’s only  a lung nodule not a lung mass.

You’ll only  need a soft tissue biopsy not major surgery or anything.

It’s only  a little over a month’s wait to see a specialist.

Then when you spit the dummy and decide to go private you can see someone inside two weeks.

Oh the lung nodule has only  shown up as warm on the PET scan.

And by the way, did you know there are two lymph nodes either side of your airway in your chest wall that are warm too?

Cold meaning no trouble… hot meaning trouble… I’m only  warm (insert wide-eyed dumb face).

It’s only  a Bronchoscopy biopsy… only  a day procedure.

We can’t get biopsies of the lung nodule though because it’s in too difficult a spot… not even going there with radiologists and soft tissue biopsy.

Biopsies of the chest wall lymph nodes should indicate benign or malignant tumour of the lung nodule.

Depending on the biopsy results you may need chemo or you may only  need to have key hole surgery to remove the lung nodule and/or if we take the lung nodule, by only  key hole surgery, and it turns out it is breast cancer spread then we will need to only  remove the middle lobe of your lung while you are on the table.

Then four days before your trip to Melbourne to have the biopsy your husband only  blacks out for a few seconds and falls off his bed and only  cuts his brow and bruises his back.

And his heart rate is only  34!

Then you only  have a paramedic, a mica unit and an ambulance in your drive way a few hours later because he is obviously not just only  dehydrated, like he thinks he is, because he starts to flame out again and you need to call the cavalry.

So they hook him up to a portable heart monitor, keep him in hospital for a few days and then send him home, only  24 hours before you need to leave for your only  biopsy, because everything is behaving according to the portable monitor.

So you only  have to phone around and call in favours to organise only  two days of respite care or baby-sitting as my husband likes it to be embarrassingly called, because he can’t be left alone just out of hospital and already in a wheelchair due to years of battling rheumatoid arthritis and maybe his aortic valve replacement, that is only  15 years old, may only  need the assistance of a pace maker if it happens again.

Then you are only  away for two days and your son only  has to take two days of work and only  drive you 300 odd kilometres back home.

And it’s only  pissing down rain and the driver’s windscreen wiper blows off on to the freeway. (insert second wide-eyed dumb face)

But it’s all only ! It’s all only  this and only  that! Because it’s “only”  you feel you can’t allow yourself to get angry at the “only-ness”  of it all.

Well let me tell you I am angry. I am very angry at the only-ness  of it all. Which is quite out of character for this little black duck.

And if one more person says to me “Oh well, there is always someone worse off” not only  am I going to scream but my head just may do a 360 degree turn and my eyes may roll back in my head before I only   spit venomous bile at you!

I’m going to scream “Oh, we’ve only  been telling ourselves that for the last 30 years and quite frankly?… the thought that someone is going through much worse than our only-ness? … brings me little comfort because how can I get comfort from knowing someone is doing it more only  horrible than us?… How could I wish that on anyone for my own piece of mind?… That’s not only  callous it’s just stupid!”

Sorry. That’s all I’ve got for today. It’s all I’ve had for the past five weeks really. No pretty or poetic words to be found here today.  No ‘normal’ Sandra, living each day as it comes here today.

In addition, too many people I love and care about are being dealt horrible cards and I’m feeling all the feels.

And today… just for a while… I’m going to allow myself to be so freakin angry at the only-ness  of our life and anyone who wants to challenge me on that I suggest that you slowly back away… back away right now and no one needs to get hurt, okay?

Okay!

Ever felt like you can’t be angry at the only-ness  of something?
Feel free to share my dummy spit at the only-ness  of it all. Someone you know may need to feel in good dummy spitting company… like me!

Post script: I see my specialist in Melbourne tomorrow for results and future plan of attack. Doug’s been behaving… it scared the shit out of both of us. And I think I need to put myself in time out before I burst the swear jar and actually succeed at biting someone’s head off. Or go marching off down the streets of my home town in search and destroy mode of the owners who’s bloody dogs keep barking their distressed heads off all day and all freakin night and I can’t enjoy my happy place out on my back veranda… yes, I’m still banging on about it FaceBook family … see? Def need to be put in time out! Probs shouldn’t be blogging at the moment… oh well… damage done… just chalk up another cringe worthy post for the archives.