I’ve been reading over some of my previous posts and I have to say how humbled I am by the lovely comments that you guys have taken the time to leave here in the past. In our world of late there is so much sadness surrounding us and at some point I’d let slip my hold on the belief that connection really does bring purpose and meaning to our lives (credit to Brene Brown for this gem).
Your connection here has always meant so much to me. I thank you.
Today I revisited a post that really resonated with me, written by the beautiful Sonia of Life, Love and Hiccups, hoping it would give me the motivation and inspiration to write. This is one of the paragraphs that spoke to me concerning a return to writing. Sonia writes…
So many times in this past 6 months I have made it as far as saying “right, today is the day” but then something happened… something big, like terror attacks around the world, or someone I love had a big thing going on and then I just felt so… awkward about sitting down and writing about my average day.
Yep, this is pretty much what’s been going on in my head for quite a while. My cancer-versary hit hard back in February, much like a coward punch to the gut. Then cancer hit some friends of mine hard. Some of them have been left reeling. Some of them left this mortal world. I’ve been very angry and sad at the cruel systemic injustice of this hideous unforgiving disease.
In fact, quite a few people in my world have been touched by adversity in some way of late and all the above cascaded into one big melting pot of “I don’t get it… What the hell is this life stuff all about anyway?” I know (rolls eyes) I don’t like to ponder the small anomalies of life do I? It’s head first into the deep pot of quandary for me.
Something I very much relate to is when Sonia speaks of ‘Losing her ability to share’.
The more my insecurities grew, the more I withdrew and became private and guarded of my everyday life. I compared myself constantly and I questioned myself and my worthiness.
I lost my ability to share.
Despite my return to my much loved internet home a couple of weeks ago, I’ve still been feeling like I too have lost my ability to share. My head is full up of so many things to circumnavigate that my writing voice seems to be gagged somewhere up the back seat of the bus by all the other things screaming louder for attention and brain space… I don’t even think that voice has been doing much kicking and screaming about it. And that’s a worry.
I realised it’s far too easy for me to sit up the back and stay quiet. It’s too easy for me to let the louder and supposedly more important things take up all the space. It’s too easy for me to think my average day is not worthy.
Pushing through and making space takes time and energy and a good dose of ‘wobbly courage’ (Thanks Kelly Exeter for this gem), which is something I don’t always have in spades.
I knew I needed to practise what I had previously been preaching the last few years about connection being so necessary. So I read Sonia’s brilliant post again, knowing that I had left her some words of encouragement in the comments… maybe I would shame myself into pushing that voice of mine to the forefront once I’d swallowed my own words. I found I’d left this comment for Sonia and I feel it’s as relevant now as it was then…
I’m pleased for you (and me) that you have found your voice again – and the only thing I don’t care about is what you write about. I’ll read anything you write. I love your voice.
I also think that in these uncertain, emotionally draining times, is when we really need to connect the most.
Normal life in general is a welcome gift to embrace.
I think we’ve all lost our voice a little for many of the reasons you have shared. But isn’t it wonderful you shared that because I will bet you my new white denim jacket that I got for Christmas (that I absolutely adore) that there will be so many nodding along while reading your post thinking “me too”.
If we keep all our stuff to ourselves too frightened to share for fear of ‘whatever’ then the fabric of strength that brings people together through story telling will be very weak. And I reckon that would be sad. So I’m making an effort to get back into it too. I really miss connecting with lovelies like you.
And there they were! My own words that I so needed to swallow…
“I have needed to remind myself lately that connection is what we need the most, not silence.”
“If we keep all our stuff to ourselves too frightened to share for fear of ‘whatever’ then the fabric of strength that brings people together through story telling will be very weak”.
So swallowed them I have and here I am. In her lovely post Sonia also talks about finding some balance. Wise words I have also latched on to today.
I’m still sad. I’m still angry. I’ll still be quiet from time to time.
I’ll be forever adjusting the scales of balance because I don’t think there will ever not be some kind of tipping point in this thing called life. Life changes and people change… so the scales must be adjusted or otherwise we’d be permanently stuck. And I think that would be the most awfully sad thing.
I still don’t know what the hell all this life stuff is about but I do know that I really don’t desire to spend any more time in that bottomless pot of quandary looking for answers that probably don’t exist.
Once upon a time I embraced the following words and built a blog around them. I think it’s time to grab hold of them again and take them out for a long overdue spin in the rain. Let’s at least go jump some puddles together hey?
With love and wobbly courage,
PS. Sonia and Kelly are beautiful writers and beautiful humans. Please pop on over to their sites and show them some love by clicking on the links below. You’ll be so glad you did. 🙂 Also, I have no idea who to credit the dancing in the rain pic to so if you can enlighten me please do. Thanks for stopping by! Xx