Flashback to Sunday week ago. It’s taken me ten days to hit publish on this. I didn’t start out to write a clunky rhyming poem but it sure ended up as one! Excuse the punctuation. Poetic and grammar police, you have been warned!
Do you really want to know that I’ve turned off all distractions so I can sit here with you; just you and me and the wind and rain showers and moments of the sun playing peek-a-boo through the clouds making everything thing seem bright and clean and shiny new?
Do you really want to know that I’ve poured myself a cup of tea in my favourite tall mug with the stars on the outside because the tea stays hot right to the bottom? It’s the best mug for chats? Do you know I’ve missed you? You do know it’s me who went missing, not you?!
Do you really want to know that some weeks have been good and bad? That sometimes even the minutes in an hour switch from smiles to sad?
Do you really want to know, I’m not sure I should say? Not sure I should tell that I still struggle most days? At times filled with joy; at times filled with fear; at times filled with love and belonging beyond a contentment revered?
Do you really want to know some days the guilt for surviving brings me to my knees; I get to stay while others must leave; that the guilt for not seizing the day eats at my strength, my core; that not ‘finding my passion’ or ‘new normal’ hangs my head in secret shame all the more?
Do you really want to know I find the colour pink repulsive and the word ‘positive’ makes me sick? I wish I could change it; give it the big flick.
Do you really want to know I’m terrified I’m not doing enough; not living enough? Not exercising enough; not eating nutritious foods enough; not being mindful enough; not being grateful enough; not keeping in touch with loved ones enough; not practising self-care enough; not being kind enough; not being… enough; that all the not enough-s will result in an avalanche of illness that will be far beyond quite enough?
Do you really want to know that I was published in a new online magazine and then stopped writing; just. like. that? What’s with that?
Do you really want to know that I’ve spent the last week making over parts of the garden and the sun on my face and the birds flitting by and the sweat on my lip had me feeling so full of life and joyfulness and magnificent muscle pain that I couldn’t wait to get back outside each day?
Do you want to know how much I wonder why I experience life now with such inner contradiction?
Do you really want to know I still ache constantly from treatment; that it wakes me up; makes me scared; my hands and feet are never spared?
Do you really want to know that I worry about losing those so dear? That one moment they’ll be here, then the next disappear?
For you see I often sit here to chat, with my tall mug of tea, wondering many a thing, like “Do you really want to know all this about me?” Because this is my life; the boring, the real; the smiles and the sadness; I’m spared none of the feels.
So today I thought Just do it hit publish and see; wear your heart on your sleeve; leave it sit here to bleed. I trust you’ll hold it quite gently; I know you’ll treat it with care; because it’s also for you that I do it; it’s for you that I share.
Now the space has been opened for truths to be free, I’m okay; I can do this; I have you sitting with me! I’ll not think any less if you too wish to bare, any storms that are brewing or joys that are rare.
And if you find yourself sitting there wondering too, Does she really want to know? Rest assured, I really do!
Yes! I do really want to know! I want to know when I ask if you’re OK that you will tell me, really, really tell me! I want to know if it’s shit or good or somewhere in between, or all of the above. And I want you to know that when you tell me, whatever you say who you are is safe with me. xo
Thank you so much Majella! That means so much to me. I hope you know the same goes for you. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
You are a beautiful writer and yep I wanna know. I get it.
Hi there Jo! Thank you so much for your very kind words. I appreciate you stopping by my internet home. 🙂 Xx
Good on you for pressing publish! Your writing needs to be shared! Thank you.
Denyse you are so supportive and encouraging – I appreciate your lovely words. Thank you so much for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
Beautifuly written Sandra. I’m in haitus at the moment too & can relate to much of this! I’m really glad you hit publish. x
Hi there Shauna! I hope you are being kind to yourself and holding space gently. Much love. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
San your words, like chiming bells each ring so true in glorious tones of familiar to me.
Thank you. X
Oh Lisa, such beautiful, beautiful words. Thank you. Much love and big squeezy hugs my friend. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
Love all that you share. You give encouragement for us all to be real and speak the truth. which we mostly resist and hide from. In the dark you shine. It’s beautiful. Thank you x
Gail, thank you for your gorgeous words. “In the dark you shine” – I’ll hold this thought from you so dear. I like to think that we all have a safe place somewhere that we can speak our truth without fear of judgement. At least that’s what I wish for us all. Thank you so much for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
Oh hello lovely lady, yes I want to know, and like Majella says, you can tell me whatever you are feeling, I really do care. I m sending you a virtual hug gorgeous, because you are just awesome. I’m taking a break from blogging, but I saw this post and had to read it because you inspire me and I love your words. Thank you for hitting publish I love knowing you are there too xx
Sarah, you are such a lovely soul. Thank you so much for jumping online and taking the time to leave me this beautiful comment. I trust you are well and being kind to yourself. 🙂 Xx
It’s always such a joy to read your words. I think our normals are always under constant change. I hope you find the time and space (in heart and head) to write more.
Hello there lovely lady! Yes, I too believe our ‘normals’ are forever shifting – sometimes maybe a little more violent than we would like but that’s the ride of life hey! There is always calm between the storms and it’s then we take time to breathe in the warmth of the sun and fill our hearts with joy. Thank you so much for stopping by. 🙂 Xx
Oh, thank you for this post. Thank you for being true. I waited two weeks to post something cheery on my blog when actually I was having a terrible time. I wish I’d been as brave as you.
Oh Meryl thank you so much. I’m sad to hear that things have been a little rough for you. I sure hope they are improving for you. Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving your thoughtful words here for me. Means a lot Xx 🙂