Flashback to Sunday week ago. It’s taken me ten days to hit publish on this. I didn’t start out to write a clunky rhyming poem but it sure ended up as one! Excuse the punctuation. Poetic and grammar police, you have been warned!
Do you really want to know that I’ve turned off all distractions so I can sit here with you; just you and me and the wind and rain showers and moments of the sun playing peek-a-boo through the clouds making everything thing seem bright and clean and shiny new?
Do you really want to know that I’ve poured myself a cup of tea in my favourite tall mug with the stars on the outside because the tea stays hot right to the bottom? It’s the best mug for chats? Do you know I’ve missed you? You do know it’s me who went missing, not you?!
Do you really want to know that some weeks have been good and bad? That sometimes even the minutes in an hour switch from smiles to sad?
Do you really want to know, I’m not sure I should say? Not sure I should tell that I still struggle most days? At times filled with joy; at times filled with fear; at times filled with love and belonging beyond a contentment revered?
Do you really want to know some days the guilt for surviving brings me to my knees; I get to stay while others must leave; that the guilt for not seizing the day eats at my strength, my core; that not ‘finding my passion’ or ‘new normal’ hangs my head in secret shame all the more?
Do you really want to know I find the colour pink repulsive and the word ‘positive’ makes me sick? I wish I could change it; give it the big flick.
Do you really want to know I’m terrified I’m not doing enough; not living enough? Not exercising enough; not eating nutritious foods enough; not being mindful enough; not being grateful enough; not keeping in touch with loved ones enough; not practising self-care enough; not being kind enough; not being… enough; that all the not enough-s will result in an avalanche of illness that will be far beyond quite enough?
Do you really want to know that I was published in a new online magazine and then stopped writing; just. like. that? What’s with that?
Do you really want to know that I’ve spent the last week making over parts of the garden and the sun on my face and the birds flitting by and the sweat on my lip had me feeling so full of life and joyfulness and magnificent muscle pain that I couldn’t wait to get back outside each day?
Do you want to know how much I wonder why I experience life now with such inner contradiction?
Do you really want to know I still ache constantly from treatment; that it wakes me up; makes me scared; my hands and feet are never spared?
Do you really want to know that I worry about losing those so dear? That one moment they’ll be here, then the next disappear?
For you see I often sit here to chat, with my tall mug of tea, wondering many a thing, like “Do you really want to know all this about me?” Because this is my life; the boring, the real; the smiles and the sadness; I’m spared none of the feels.
So today I thought Just do it hit publish and see; wear your heart on your sleeve; leave it sit here to bleed. I trust you’ll hold it quite gently; I know you’ll treat it with care; because it’s also for you that I do it; it’s for you that I share.
Now the space has been opened for truths to be free, I’m okay; I can do this; I have you sitting with me! I’ll not think any less if you too wish to bare, any storms that are brewing or joys that are rare.
And if you find yourself sitting there wondering too, Does she really want to know? Rest assured, I really do!