Pre cursor: May it be noted that I am not against practising gratefulness. It is extremely beneficial. These are just my own thoughts being fleshed out about why I feel stuck with writing publicly on my personal blog and I am genuinely interested in others thoughts. Thank you.
I want to feel joy. Most days I do. It’s more like a four seasons in one day existence I suppose. Some days it’s more like a 4 x 4 seasons in one day experience if truth be told. I’m not complaining. That’s just how it is (shrugs shoulders).
It’s had me wondering lately – Can the metaphorical concept of four ‘feeling seasons’ in one day of emotions co-exist with being thankful?
You know, I wake up tired every morning (who doesn’t) and often fight off anxiety at what the day ahead may bring, but I’m always so pleased to wake up in the safety of my own cosy bed listening to the sounds of the morning (or if you live in my part of the world right now it would be the sound of relentless howling wind).
Sometimes I feel sad and weighed down by responsibility, but I’m also thankful that the reasons for these feelings signify meaningful circumstances and relationships exist in my life.
I persistently feel frightened that I’ll become unwell again but that doesn’t mean I’m not thankful to still be here living the life I get to live when so many do not.
When, at times, I hide from the world feeling sorry for myself or because I’m angry at the state of affairs or I feel the need for solitary time to recharge my batteries doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for those in my life who consistently show me thoughtfulness and kindness and compassion and connection when I resurface.
I’ve found it difficult to write of late. Reading back over old blog posts I always seem to be apologising for not showing up here; too many times stating that I have things to say but can’t find the words.
It’s all fear. All of the procrastination and apologising… it’s all fear.
Fear of sounding trite in a world bursting with catastrophe after catastrophe.
Fear of not sounding thankful or grateful enough.
Fear of judgement… oh so much fear of judgement.
So I ponder out loud –
Is the pressure of the gratefulness movement unintentionally denying us the opportunity and necessity of feeling our less than feel good emotions or voicing them?
Do we now feel we can not share how sad or mad we are about things in our life because we may be perceived as not being thankful for all we have?
Can we not share those events and emotions which affects our lives, in less than gratuitous ways, for fear of being seen as shallow or too privileged if we do so?
I speak for myself here when I say that I for one have been too frightened. As much as I tell myself I don’t really care what people think about what I write it’s really not a true belief. If it was, I’d write everyday.
So… unfortunately I sit in limbo pondering all these things. I know deep in my heart that the four seasons in one day feelings really do and can co-exist with feeling thankful and practising gratitude. I’m just not sure I feel comfortable writing about them publicly anymore for the reasons I am pondering here today.
Acknowledging your shadow times is a way to turn and embrace the light and create resilience. Light casts shadows… it’s a fact. They are connected and can not be unconnected. They co-exist.
Yet here I am pondering if we have become to scared to share and connect with others while deep in our shadows because going there may be perceived as dark, negative and sad when in reality it is a way to reconnect with the light, positivity and joy.
I’m very interested in your thoughts on this co-existence of emotions and the gratefulness movement so please comment and let me know what you think about it. As always though, play nice, everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Even me.