I’ve paused over the publish button for a little while now with this one but here goes.
I received an email from a dear friend this morning that started like this…
“I have felt for a while that you are struggling, partly the reason for my constant barrage of emails to you, just trying to give support in my own inept way, but do feel free to tell me to frog off when you have had enough…”
To which I replied…
“I hope you understand fully when I say this… I love you! I just f*cking love you! And if you ever “frog off” I will leap after you and throw you back in my lily pad laden pond. Are you hearing me? (Beginning to think I really do have a thing for ‘frogs’ which you can read about here if you wish).
You under estimate your emotionally perceptive ability, honestly you do. You have me pegged my friend.
You know what? I had the biggest shift reading your email. There were all the things and more, that I had been struggling with for some time and seeing them (and more) staring back at me in words on a page was such a relief. Yes, a relief… in many areas.
The big take away for me? “To what purpose are you writing your blog?” “Because you want people to get how much you are suffering?”
This was like a woosh of air in my face… there it is… that’s what it is… that’s what has me stuck and that’s what it’s all about. I realised that underlining EVERYTHING I am doing (life in general) is the fact that I’m still suffering from my breast cancer ride and nobody can see it so what I have been doing is unconsciously (or maybe consciously) subtly trying to make people aware that life for me as a carer and breast cancer survivor isn’t always like the cute huggy pics and *pink fluffy stuff.
But the reality of that is, people understandably don’t really want to know otherwise because it’s too damn confronting. It’s too damn confronting for me at times.
I wanted to validate the hidden cries and truths of others so they didn’t (and don’t) feel like they are alone or going crazy. I just have to find a way to do that and maybe a book is a better platform for that than a blog. I can touch on it with the blog but it can’t be all about that.
Another take away ” When you thought about writing BFBC (that’s Before F…ing Breast Cancer), what would you have written about?”
I would have written about the struggles of being a carer. About burnout and stress and chronic illness.
Truth is I don’t think anybody wants to read about that either. People always want a positive and through all our adversity there at times hasn’t been a lot of positive to focus on, but I don’t want people to feel like a failure because they at times can’t find the positive or have the smiley face all time… it becomes like wearing a mask… a mask that suffocates you and who you really are in the everyday moment isn’t allowed to breathe.
So at the time when I started my blog the “Why did I survive post” summed up where I was at and what I wanted to do. But three months on I feel something has changed. I want my blog to be more than that.
So what do I want it to be? My head emptying writing that has helped me through life’s storms has served me well. It made me discover that I have a voice and I like writing.
But I now want my blog to be about anything and everything that takes my fancy to write about and if someone feels validated along the way somewhere through that then well and good. I’d like it to be many things.
I already know that validation and acknowledgement of others feelings is a big thing but I need to put it to a different tune.
I’d like my sense of humour to shine through because I lost it for so long.
I realise I do want my blog to be read by others… lots of others. I want it to be successful in reaching people.
I’d like it to be entertaining, educational, and resonating on different levels of emotions.
I thought my blog would bring me some direction and joy but because of its tone I have found quite the opposite. I still wish to write deep and meaningfully, just not all the time. To use my own words, “Life is duality and you need light and shade to nurture and flourish.”
Yes, I’m still suffering but wishing others were aware of that won’t help me move forward. I need to acknowledge and validate that’s what I’m doing; acknowledge and validate that it really wouldn’t change a great deal if people were aware anyway. Only those sharing in the safety and validity of closed forums and support groups get it and that’s where I should be working on the “I’m still suffering” shackle.
Thank you honestly, thank you. Watch out for changes on my blog that I know will lead to changes within me. Awareness and clarity are gold when they surface.
It won’t be easy but, meh, life’s a bitch… I’ll smack it around on the days that I can.”
*(Please don’t send me emails about the pink fluffy stuff line. It is in no way meant in a disrespectful or judgemental manner to our community of carers or pink sisterhood. And yes I will lay awake tonight wondering if I have offended anyone for it is not my intention and I hope it is taken in the context it is meant. I’m just stating my truth. I’m sorry, but I didn’t cope well with breast cancer or treatment and I wish I did but I bloody well didn’t and won’t lie about it… and sometimes all the pink stuff making everyone aware on the tele and magazines and radio and snail mail was just too much awareness for one who was more than f*cking aware of it’s affects. It’s awareness had me well supported and awareness for the cause serves a great need. I was just on awareness overload.)
So there you have it. I now feel unstuck with my blog and I think some with life (worried about a few truths in there to be honest and hope they’ll be taken in context, but mostly unstuck). I have my thinking cap on and I am enthusiastic about making changes here on the blog and with my life.
Thanks mate x
Can’t think of a catchy ‘call to action’ here, so feel free to leave a comment if you wish