Flowers for you x
I’ve paused over the publish button for a little while now with this one but here goes.
I received an email from a dear friend this morning that started like this…
“I have felt for a while that you are struggling, partly the reason for my constant barrage of emails to you, just trying to give support in my own inept way, but do feel free to tell me to frog off when you have had enough…”
To which I replied…
“I hope you understand fully when I say this… I love you! I just f*cking love you! And if you ever “frog off” I will leap after you and throw you back in my lily pad laden pond. Are you hearing me? (Beginning to think I really do have a thing for ‘frogs’ which you can read about here if you wish).
You under estimate your emotionally perceptive ability, honestly you do. You have me pegged my friend.
You know what? I had the biggest shift reading your email. There were all the things and more, that I had been struggling with for some time and seeing them (and more) staring back at me in words on a page was such a relief. Yes, a relief… in many areas.
The big take away for me? “To what purpose are you writing your blog?” “Because you want people to get how much you are suffering?”
This was like a woosh of air in my face… there it is… that’s what it is… that’s what has me stuck and that’s what it’s all about. I realised that underlining EVERYTHING I am doing (life in general) is the fact that I’m still suffering from my breast cancer ride and nobody can see it so what I have been doing is unconsciously (or maybe consciously) subtly trying to make people aware that life for me as a carer and breast cancer survivor isn’t always like the cute huggy pics and *pink fluffy stuff.
But the reality of that is, people understandably don’t really want to know otherwise because it’s too damn confronting. It’s too damn confronting for me at times.
I wanted to validate the hidden cries and truths of others so they didn’t (and don’t) feel like they are alone or going crazy. I just have to find a way to do that and maybe a book is a better platform for that than a blog. I can touch on it with the blog but it can’t be all about that.
Another take away ” When you thought about writing BFBC (that’s Before F…ing Breast Cancer), what would you have written about?”
I would have written about the struggles of being a carer. About burnout and stress and chronic illness.
Truth is I don’t think anybody wants to read about that either. People always want a positive and through all our adversity there at times hasn’t been a lot of positive to focus on, but I don’t want people to feel like a failure because they at times can’t find the positive or have the smiley face all time… it becomes like wearing a mask… a mask that suffocates you and who you really are in the everyday moment isn’t allowed to breathe.
So at the time when I started my blog the “Why did I survive post” summed up where I was at and what I wanted to do. But three months on I feel something has changed. I want my blog to be more than that.
So what do I want it to be? My head emptying writing that has helped me through life’s storms has served me well. It made me discover that I have a voice and I like writing.
But I now want my blog to be about anything and everything that takes my fancy to write about and if someone feels validated along the way somewhere through that then well and good. I’d like it to be many things.
I already know that validation and acknowledgement of others feelings is a big thing but I need to put it to a different tune.
I’d like my sense of humour to shine through because I lost it for so long.
I realise I do want my blog to be read by others… lots of others. I want it to be successful in reaching people.
I’d like it to be entertaining, educational, and resonating on different levels of emotions.
I thought my blog would bring me some direction and joy but because of its tone I have found quite the opposite. I still wish to write deep and meaningfully, just not all the time. To use my own words, “Life is duality and you need light and shade to nurture and flourish.”
Yes, I’m still suffering but wishing others were aware of that won’t help me move forward. I need to acknowledge and validate that’s what I’m doing; acknowledge and validate that it really wouldn’t change a great deal if people were aware anyway. Only those sharing in the safety and validity of closed forums and support groups get it and that’s where I should be working on the “I’m still suffering” shackle.
Thank you honestly, thank you. Watch out for changes on my blog that I know will lead to changes within me. Awareness and clarity are gold when they surface.
It won’t be easy but, meh, life’s a bitch… I’ll smack it around on the days that I can.”
*(Please don’t send me emails about the pink fluffy stuff line. It is in no way meant in a disrespectful or judgemental manner to our community of carers or pink sisterhood. And yes I will lay awake tonight wondering if I have offended anyone for it is not my intention and I hope it is taken in the context it is meant. I’m just stating my truth. I’m sorry, but I didn’t cope well with breast cancer or treatment and I wish I did but I bloody well didn’t and won’t lie about it… and sometimes all the pink stuff making everyone aware on the tele and magazines and radio and snail mail was just too much awareness for one who was more than f*cking aware of it’s affects. It’s awareness had me well supported and awareness for the cause serves a great need. I was just on awareness overload.)
So there you have it. I now feel unstuck with my blog and I think some with life (worried about a few truths in there to be honest and hope they’ll be taken in context, but mostly unstuck). I have my thinking cap on and I am enthusiastic about making changes here on the blog and with my life.
Thanks mate x
Can’t think of a catchy ‘call to action’ here, so feel free to leave a comment if you wish
Sandra x
Crying! Laughing! Speechless! Go girl! (and the flowers are divine)!
Thank you Majella you gem you Xx
Thank you for my healing Sandra.
And by the way i love frogs…xxx
No, thank you for my healing Lis.
And by the way… I love you… xxx
Well done on the blog. It’s nice to read the “reality” of what you have gone through and gives an insight that is often overlooked of what people really go through in their treatment and afterwards. Being someone who has dedicated your life to caring for others and being strong it’s a hard thing to face vulnerability and the truth if you dont “cope” as expected?!
Congratulations on your writing, I look forward to reading more. You really are an amazing person and I love you to bits xo
Shellie, you are just too beautiful… thank you Xxx
Loving your bits right back 🙂 Xxx
Emotional. Beautifully written by a beautiful lady. Well done Sandra xx
You are a gem Prue. Thank you Xxx
I am so pleased to see that your anger has finally surfaced for all to see the reality of your life. So many wear masks when in reality they are really hurting, it is so important to be honest within yourself and tell it like it is. If others can’t accept the reality of how it is, then it is time for them to move on. Through you own acceptance of your heartfelt words of expression you are freeing yourself of the darkness and coming back to the light.
Keep writing my dear friend and can’t wait for the book to come to light. There are so many suffering as you have done and at times think they are going crazy or are alone and no one understands, but you understand totally as you have lived it for so long. It is time to share your wonderful words which will bring comfort to so many, they will draw comfort from your words to know that they are not alone and they are not going crazy.
I see the words flowing out of you mouth at a great speed of knots, now that you have accepted your ability to write and share.
Love ya sister
Take Care
Jo
Where would I be without you! Thank you Xxx
I think it’s great you’re getting some clarity around what it is you want to do and say!
And I love friends who ‘get’ that sometimes you just need someone to be there for you. They don’t need to solve your problems or give you advice. Just knowing they’re there can help.
xx
Oh so true Deb! It’s funny how different friends fulfil different needs isn’t it. 🙂
Blogs are pretty amazing aren’t they? How cool that you were able to come to this realisation!
You know the stuff you share in the comments of my posts? That’s such great stuff Sandra – a real gift to the world. So I am glad you are now going to write anything you like here. Because that is going to be so fun for you!
kelly, I can’t tell you how fortunate I am to have found such a caring soul to create and design such a beautiful space for me to ‘put my words’. Your guidance and time is so appreciated. I’m truly humbled by your words lovely lady. Xx
(Kelly is my ‘Blog crush’… insert my blushing cheek smile here… check out her book in my side bar) 🙂
That sense of creative clarity is so liberating: just writing what feels right without being burdened by other people’s expectations. Good luck with the new direction on your blog!
Thank you so much! And yes, it does feel “right”. 🙂
Wow, Sandra! Majella has always said you are very special, and this post certainly highlights why she thinks that.
I’ve been toying with the idea of writing (book, articles, blog) for years, and in the process of procrastination have read many writers’ thoughts on the process. Your thoughts on writing and illness and the frogging shit life sends us are so honest and hopeful and heartfelt – I will keep them for ongoing inspiration. In the meantime, I hope you continue to use your rare writing skills to find your peace, for your sake and ours.
Ruth that’s such a lovely thing to say, thank you. When it feels right for you the writing will flow. Good luck with it and thanks for your very thoughtful comments. x
A very lovely and emotional read.
My opinion – just write, warts and all, write when you’re happy, sad, mad and want to vent. Thanks for linking 🙂 xx
Thanks For stopping by Em and I appreciate your words! Love your Monday laugh link up party x
l’ve seen so many people going through breast cancer, including my MIL currently, so I know it isn’t all ‘pink fluffy stuff’. My husband also had bowel cancer. While he was very lucky to survive (almost 10 years now) we still go through the anxiety every year when he has his annual checks. I agree with Em. Just keep writing, whether you’re happy, sad, angry etc. I sometimes feel I keep things about too light and fluffy on my blog and don’t post anything deep, so it’s good to have a bit of balance.
Oh the ‘scanxiety’… kicks like a mule!
I think we write what we feel is acceptable for us to deal with at the time. Putting raw thoughts out there can add a whole different dimension to deal with and if you are not ready for seeing those words staring back at you it potentially may kick like a mule too!
Thanks for sharing Ness and I wish both your MIL and husband good health for the future. x
Sandra – you are an incredibly gifted and perceptive soul, who makes sense out of the layers of shit (I’m not going to sugar-coat them by calling them ‘challenges’ and ‘issues’) that life contains as it evolves. I’ve often fallen into that camp of wanting to reach out to ask if there is anything on a practical (or non-practical) level I could do to ease some of your daily journey. But then, I’ve felt like it may be intrusive or bad timing. Or my own insular layers of shit get in the way. I’m in the process of shedding a few of those. And I’m looking forward to keeping in touch with your truthful and piercing insights – and whatever fun, mayhem or mystery may come out of the blog’s evolution.
Berny, thank you so much for your heartfelt thoughts! I know there are many of you who are there in our background if we ever need and just knowing this brings our family much comfort. Our door and hearts are always open but honestly just people reaching out through messages and phone calls is even enough. You wouldn’t believe how receiving unexptected messages from people taking the time as they go about their every day tasks can be so uplifting. The smallest things can have enormous impacts. I’m touched by your words, thank you Xx