Why did I survive?

I’ve written this piece so many times in my head it should be forever etched in my memory and flow fluently like a well-rehearsed recital, but the fluidity escapes me.

For the past ten days I’ve attempted to write this, my very first post, and each time I delete it. I thought I had it all worked out; what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it and why, but I’ve just about rubbed my forehead raw.

Over the last few years I would often take solace in the brave souls willing to share their very private lives and raw emotion via the internet. The honesty, validation and acknowledgment I found in their words, regarding my own personal feelings, was often my saving grace.

So why now do I stumble? Why now do I doubt that my story and thoughts may not encourage hope and understanding as the stories and thoughts of others have done so for me? Maybe it’s fear? Fear of judgment? Maybe I’m even a little fearful of my own honesty and what I have yet to discover.

Rather than let my fear influence my writing any longer driven by the self-defeating belief that I need to capture your attention with killer headings, mesmerising first sentences and persuasive style, I’ve decided to give my rubbed raw forehead a break and just get on with it. Life is too short to be creatively paralysed and over shadowed by such fear.

There is really no other way for me to explain why I have the desire to write other than to share Kari’s Story. She says it all. You can watch her 2 minute video here. I stumbled across Kari and the Dana-Farber Institute one evening when I was feeling particularly lost and disconnected from the world searching for an injection of inspiration and strength from anyone who had tread similar terrain before me. Her words touched a broken piece of me and I listened to them over and over. It is with Kari’s permission that I share them with you.

“I’m often asked why I think I got cancer, and to me that’s the wrong question. I don’t have an answer for that. For me it’s ‘Why did I survive?’ When I had that aha moment of defining why did I survive, for me it was… it was okay to start using my voice. It was okay to start sharing my experience and my story. Stop questioning ‘Well who cares?’ because now I understand that there is a nugget in every story that’s shared and somebody could walk away with just a little bit and if that little bit can help them, then there is my why”.

So there is my ‘Why’.  I thank Kari for sharing her story that allowed me the opportunity to walk away with a little bit  causing me to look at survival of adversity from a different perspective. I no longer wish to hush my voice. I want desperately to feel okay about sharing my life experiences and I am now willing to take the fear of my sharing being judged along with me.

My story is not just about surviving cancer.  My family has been touched by enough adversity for too many lifetimes and I admire their resilience and strength of character in the face of our on-going life challenges.

My story is also about mutual unconditional love; my husbands battle and acceptance of living with crippling incapacitating Rheumatoid Arthritis; and my reflections of giving up the life we hoped to lead, all those years ago, to live the only life that lay before us.

I share the struggles of experiencing the emotional dualities of blinding joy to the depths of obscure darkness.

I aim to post once a week as I dare to dance in the rain again after sheltering from the storms of debilitating depression, cruel anxiety, nervous breakdown, burnout and the emotional bruising of my cancer ride.  I also intend to share other people’s stories that have touched my heart and graciously wish to share their journey with you.

Who knows how this space will evolve over time, but my wishful heart hopes that you may find a nugget in my sharing that may shine for you, even just a little bit, to help light your way.

What ‘nugget’ have you found in someone else’s story?

How has it shaped your path ahead?

Feel free to comment below!

Not quite the profound sharing image I was searching for but too cute not to use!

A useful reminder for me not to over think sharing… just the simplicity of it as captured above is often all the feel good injection you need.