I studied the ceiling fan for a while from the bed I’d metaphorically made for myself the night before, until I hit the floor running with a shadow of self-loathing tagging along behind. “When will you ever follow anything through?” I asked myself with much disapproval. “When?”
I wanted to start the New Year as I meant to go on; early to bed, early to rise. Instead, on New Year’s Eve, I watched my new Netflix obsession into the early hours of the morning and woke late with a ‘guilt hangover’ to rival any alcohol induced infliction of my 20’s.
I made a familiar breakfast for us in an unfamiliar kitchen and sat outside in the unfamiliar landscape, straining my senses for familiar sights and sounds. “This is home now” the calm voice of reason chimed. “This is home”.
It’s been a harsh year for family and friends. It’s hard to remember the laughter. To be fair – I know it was there.
Move forward. Focus on what you have. Stay positive. Be grateful. Be thankful. Have a cup of concrete and harden up. Ditch the woe is me. You’re alive… live, laugh, love.
All sage advice in their own way. Some helpful. Some not. Some already in practise.
Should there be shame in stating it’s been a harsh year for me too? Only if you say it out loud it would seem. Judgement – It’s internal and external but should never be eternal.
I stuffed up how I wanted the first day of the new year to look for me. This is why I don’t do New Year resolutions or choose a word to live by for the year. I place way too much pressure on myself and consequently beat myself up when I don’t align with the goal.
I felt there was something more to my mood than disappointment in myself. So, I did something I haven’t done in a long while. I picked up a real pen (as apposed to a keyboard) and wrote on real paper (as apposed to a screen) hoping to uncover the ‘real story’ within me (as apposed to the one I was telling myself).
It worked. I found it. Something magic about pen on paper.
Now to treat it like the old familiar friend that it is. Shower it with kindness; sooth it with compassion; cradle it gently; unravel it with patience; surround it with love.
For as my Blog’s name sake suggests:
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo Emmerson.
And I know that’s a helpful start that I’d like to go on with. Like to join me?
With love and best wishes for a healthy and joyous year ahead,